iPod shuffle is a strange, wonderful thing. Aside from blowing my mind to pieces the other day by playing three songs – in a row – about Penises (!!) (Gillette’s “Short Dick Man”, King Missile’s “Detachable Penis” and then Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick” – for fucking REALS), tonight it brought The Faders back into my direct line of attention.

“No Sleep Tonight” would have perhaps worked a little bit better had it not been sung by this lot and rather given to Sarah Harding as her debut solo single. The song is a pretty big pearler (so much so that Molly from The Faders went and recorded a solo version after they’d split) and would have done Sarah Harding very nicely. I’d BELIEVE her when she says she’ll be getting no sleep tonight. Molly McQueen on the other hand; definitely napping.

For best results, avoid watching the actual video clip (which is several hundred shades of utter shit) and just look at this picture of Sarah Harding being Rock ‘n Roll at a Rock Concert as The Faders audio plays.

Cor blimey they had a set of mugs on them, didn’t they?

I have lost all complete interest in the Sugababes for such a long time now, so long that I’m only getting around to talking about this current incarnation of the brand properly.

The thing is, this current line up could actually work and I know I’m not the first to say it. But here’s why I think it could work, provided steps are moved switfly away from anything to do with current album, the shit-stinker “Sweet 7″, which is the biggest pile of shit I’ve come across in a long, long while.

But the fact that the album’s best track is the non-available Keisha version of “About A Girl” speaks volumes about the kind of rubbish that this is filled with.

I’d like to think that “Sweet 7″ was Keisha knowing all along she was either going to destroy the Sugababes or leave and watch it crumble from the sidelines. Because Jade Ewen, Quicha’s replacement, had no input whatsoever (bar one awfully thought out track which was recorded later) in the way “Sweet 7″ sounded. There’s no print from her here whatsoever, and they’re basically playing with the ‘chosen’ drivel of an over-worked Keisha and unhappy Other Two.

I don’t think the girls are finished yet though. If they can make it through this album (it’s kinda looking almost certain that they will be making another album, Heidi’s telling anyone that’ll listen – barely anyone – that they’re absolutely not splitting up) and really think about where they want to go next, they could win back the interest of people like me (not that they’d give a shit, but hey this is a blog and apparently they matter, I DUNNO) and others who I know had called their death the second Keisha’s firing was made public.

Heidi’s reputation is on the line at the moment and I think she’s very well aware of that. She’s the new Keisha. The Sugababes are now her legacy to carry on through to the next firing, but I think Heidi’s going to be quite adamant about making sure everything runs as smoothly as possible so that there never IS another firing.

At the end of the day we all know that Heidi and Kimberley from Girls Aloud are very good friends and we all know Kimba’s partial to smoking a bit of weed every so often (over cups of tea and SKY+ recordings of “Emmerdale” and “X-tra Factor”). What I’m saying is, I don’t think a bit of that would do Heidi and the future of the Sugababes any harm.

I do still think they should change their name though.

Heidi & Ja’melle perhaps.

Because I do think that the original girls may still want to end the Sugababes legacy the way it started. The hints and rumours are probably too good to be true but fuck, I’m going to believe them because frankly there are five girls in Girls Aloud and only four of them seem to have any interest in being a pop group. I’ll clutch onto whatever glimmer of hope I can.

Anyway, from what I recall I actually did review “Sweet 7″ for the Australian edition of The Big Issue. I think I gave it two stars and immediately wished I’d given it one and a half, but justified (in print to the nation for a change – ha! I’ve never been published in anything nation-wide, so I’m a little bit chuffed and am totally gloating a bit, sorry) the extra half, perhaps, because of my love for “About A Girl.”

But the Keisha version.

Which wasn’t even on the album.

★

There are so many musical thoughts that end up on Twitter that, if I weren’t so lazy, could probably be extended into slightly longer paragraphs on the blog. I caught myself spending too much time on Twitter again this week when I could have been blogging. NO MORE!

There are things I really want to talk about, like the new Sophie Ellis-Bextor Song of the Year “Bittersweet”, or the amazing new album from Delphic (among other things I’ve got almost ready to go), but in the meantime, there’s all of this that’s going through my head.

The new Groove Armada album “Black Light” is quite rapidly going from being a three-and-a-half-star album to a near five-star one. It seems to be the most consistent album from them to date; “Look Me In The Eye Sister” is like 60’s psychedelia meets trance, “I Won’t Kneel” featuring SaintSaviour is one of their best singles so far, and Will Young (who’s still looking mighty fine and was tops in Skins, wasn’t he?) collaboration “History” and the Fenech Sole “Paper Romance” are actually perfect, aren’t they? Top stuff, I should do a proper review of it soon actually.

The debut Cassette Kids album is also incredible and, I think, will surprise a few of their doubters. Quality from start to finish, review and A NEW interview with the guys coming soon. Also, the new Rogue Traders single “Would You Raise Your Hands?” goes to radio tomorrow morning from 7AM – you’ll finally all get to hear what I’ve been banging on about for so long. It’s tops, can’t wait for everyone else to be in love with it too.

Telephone tomorrow. OMG…

The new MGMT single song abortion is so all over the place that I barely got through the whole thing. 4 minutes and 16 seconds should not feel like a really disjointed 40 minute megamix gone horribly wrong. It’s like they had 10 really good (unfinished) ideas for some great songs, and just put it all together in one. Disappointing. Make your own judgements on it though, it’s available – legally – for free over here.

The same goes for the brand new Princess Superstar single, “Ground Control.” I have a really big gripe with people whispering; it’s not a pretty sound but can be carried off quite well in very small doses in some pop songs. Every verse in this however is whispered. It grates so much that you’re just waiting eagerly for the chorus, but then – of course – it really doesn’t feel like it was worth the wait al all. And the wait has been five years for new material from this lady. It’s really upsetting because I have loved EVERYTHING she’s done in the past and not just the highly underrated “My Machine” LP from 2005. She’s an incredible entertainer live and has the smarts to pen a perfect song. Unfortunately, this is far from perfect, but I’m hoping there’s a lot more to her upcoming album “The Next Evolution” than this insinuates. Also being offered as a free download on her MySpace, if you’re interested. Immediately after you hear it for yourself, listen to this, or this, and tell me that I’m not disappointed for a reason. She doesn’t need to make an electro-fused record for me to be happy, it just needs to be good.

The new Sugababes album, “Shit 7″… I don’t think I need to say any more actually.

Blog-commenter J responded to my Ke$ha/3OH!NO remark on last weeks eTunes post by offering a link to a Ke$ha-only, 3OH-FREE version of “Blah Blah Blah.” Thank GOD. Find it here… Thanks J!

There’s a lot going on at the moment in regards to the closure of BBC’s 6 Music radio station, and whilst I’m not going to even attempt to talk about (Popjustice have done a pretty good job of that, here, here and here), it reminded me a little of the near-10-year battle Hitz FM suffered through when it was running for a full time license in Melbourne between the years of 1992 and 2001. You can read more about the station (which was never granted that full time broadcasting license) here, it pretty much cemented my passion for dance music and radio during my ‘formative years’ and the uproar being caused RE: the 6 Music closure has just brought all of those incredible, but now somewhat upsetting, memories back.

Cheryl Tweedy chose her words incorrectly during an International TV appearance and scared the shit out of hundreds of millions of their fans. It’s all been cleared up now (Cheryl’s NOT leaving Girls Aloud, nor has she left), but I really feel like we’ve gotten to a point where I almost couldn’t care less about any more Cheryl material OR Nadine’s new album because it’s all just getting in the way of having my 2010 Album of the Year picked out for me in the form of a Girls Aloud release. Bitches I am OVER this shit.

It’s been 10 years since The Avalanches released their debut album “Since I Left You”. Preposterous. Get on with it boys, who do you think you are, Kate Bush? If only it had been a 10 year wait in between Wolfmother albums… Aah yes, what a simpler world it would be.

CHERYL COLE
3 Words
(UNIVERSAL) B

So here it is. The first member of Girls Aloud to venture off into the world of the Solo Album. Whilst the five-piece are still that (for now), they’ve taken a year off to focus on solo projects; Nadine’s apparently recording a camp disco-stomper with a song written by Paula Abdul, Sarah Harding’s making movies with Doctor WHO’s David Tennant, Nicola Roberts is being head-hunted by Vivienne Westwood for a new clothing campaign, and Kimberley… well, I’m sure Kimberley’s enjoying her cups of tea on the balcony almost as much as she enjoys watching Chezz on the telle for Sunday nights X-Factor (Hopefully she’s stoned the whole way through because… actually, let’s face it, she probably is, so I might just move on.)

It’s no surprise though that Cheryl Cole would be the first to release a solo album. Although all bets were on Coyle, I’m sure Cole wanted to beat the other four to the punch in order to be remembered as the first to do it, perhaps. X Factor Judge, Tabloid-adored WAG, Girl Aloud, and now; Solo Artist. But can the music on her first long player match her sometimes inflated ego? There seems to be a little bit of proof in this pudding…

3 WORDS (featuring will.i.am)
Cheryl’s previously worked with will.i.am, so it’s no surprise she’s roped him in for her debut. Wise move too; however annoying you might find the Black Eyed Pea, this is proof he’s capable of penning some seriously good pop music. Think BEP’s “I Gotta Feeling”, but if it were actually good. VERY epic breakdowns, this is a heavenly way to open things. Also the next single.

PARACHUTE
Heavy, dramatic marching band happenings with a brilliant middle-8. There’s some hidden brass in there as well, and the final 30 seconds are somewhat magical. The biggest, brightest moment on 3 Words but, quite tellingly, the saddest Cheryl sounds on here.

HEAVEN (featuring will.i.am)
Another will.i.am moment on the record, it’s interesting to note that this is the first song whose verses are structured together more like it was written for a group of, oh, say, five girls? It’s a bit all over the place to be honest and the chorus is fairly aggravating, but underneath there is actually something decent here.

FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE
The first single, and the second best moment on the record. This is a straight-up, urban-pop song that even has a Shannon ‘Let The Music Play’/Debbie Deb ‘When I Hear Music’ 1980’s dancefloor feel to it. Hey X Factor performance of this was off the hook. View.

RAIN ON ME
SOMEONE CALL RONSON! COLE’S FOUND THE HORN SECTION!! But in all seriousness, this is World Class pop right here; there are elements of 1970’s soul and 1990’s urban-pop. The latter actually seems to be a distant motif through 3 Words, actually; there are a LOT of 1990’s elements through the record, just in time for this inevitable nineties comeback we’re due for any day now. “What’s the price of Thunder? Rain on me.” Amazing. It sounds nothing like her though.

MAKE ME CRY
Cheryl turns to disco-funk, and rips into a bit of swearing too along the way! Great track, though some might complain about the repetitiveness of the chorus. It is an initial weakness, but one you do grow to love after a few listens. This felt like album filler for the first few days but is now vying for the title of being my favourite on 3 Words.

HAPPY HOUR
There’s nothing particularly wrong with this – but – song content and pitch of Cole’s voice; is she trying to be Amy Winehouse or something? BUT SINGING ABOUT LOVE AS IF IT WERE THE DRIP. Bit of a bore, this one – not offensive but not really all that good either.

STAND UP
Written for Cole by Taio Cruz, there’s every chance this could be the third single. BONZA chorus that sounds like it could have Cruz on backing vocals. All kinds of brilliant, a highlight, even if it doesn’t sound anything like Cheryl for most of it. I like to sing “Coz I came here to dance, I’m gonna pull up my pants and stand up! Stand up!” during the chorus. Try it; works better.

DON’T TALK ABOUT THIS LOVE
I gave this a bit of a hard time in my print review, but I’ve since changed my mind and actually think it’s quite lovely. Sorry Cheryl; please don’t strike me and call me a Jigaboo.

BOY LIKE YOU (featuring will.i.am)
Sampling Fleetwood Mac’s “Little Lies”, it all just sounds like a bunch of noise by the end of it, and the rent-a-rapper-feel of will.i.am’s delivery just makes this all the harder to sit through. Phoned in much?

HEARTBREAKER (will.i.am featuring Cheryl Cole)
This has aged surprisingly well, hasn’t it?

THE VERDICT…
3 Words seems to have slightly suffered from a time restriction. There are a lot of really interesting ideas on this record, and a few songs which are perfect from start to finish, but there are a handful of songs that could have been absolute stompers, but appear to sound somewhat half-finished. And it’s those songs that, unfortunately, are the ones which feel like they were the most rushed. The singles are identifiable, absolutely, and there are golden album-only moments on it, but overall, 3 Words could have really been a bit better, and maybe released before Christmas, rather than October. It would have been interesting to see where Cole could have taken the album had she been given an extra two months to work on it, particularly with the obvious 1990’s urban-pop and 1980’s electronica inspired moments sprinkled across the disc. Everything is here for this to be a truly momentus record, but it just comes down to it only being a half-finished album in a few of its tracklisting placements.

That said, I still haven’t stopped listening to selected highlights from it all week, so go figure.

Read Talia’s ace review, and Mr Discopop’s equally as brill one (I love the Parachute summary. Amazing.)

EDIT. The album INSTANTLY went from a B- to a solid B with the following amended tracklisting:

01. Parachute
02. Fight For This Love
03. Rain On Me
04. Stand Up
05. 3 Words
06. Make Me Cry
07. Heaven
08. Happy Hour
09. Boy Like You
10. Crazy Fool (GA solo-Cheryl b-side)
11. Heartbreaker (will.i.am ft. Cheryl)
12. Don’t Talk About This Love
13. Didn’t I (FFTL b-side)

See? Much better!

Girls Aloud video clips are not exactly renowned for their cinematic brilliance. At times, they are often sloppily choreographed, shonkily edited and look like they’ve cost the record company about £2.50. It’s something we’ve grown to love about the girls; great songs, shit clips.

But in recent times, it seems the Girls (or at least their people) have been spending at least a good £10.50 on each video clip, in particular the last two for “The Loving Kind” and “Untouchable.” Interestingly, those two singles, although being some of the girls strongest work, were the weakest performers they’ve had in a while. Which begs the question as to whether these (slightly) more expensive video clips have anything to do with it. Do the music buying public not want the Girls to look expensive? Or is it because so much money was spent on the video clip, there was not enough money to go and promote the single? Let’s take a look at the evidence… (Click on the song titles to view video clips…)

>>> All 21 of GA’s video clips dissected… after the jump!

SOUND OF THE UNDERGROUND
Rough estimate of money spent: £2.00
Enjoyability factor: 9/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 6/10.
Does it look expensive?: Deceitfully so, but underneath it all you can tell that it’s far from it.
Is Nicola in it much?: No.
Chart Success: UK #1

With the matching top-shop light pink and black outfits, hair straight out of 2002, some guy with what appears to be a guitar (!?) and some idiot banging on a drum kit behind them (what is this, a Sex Pistols video?), Girls Aloud said bye to the Boys of One True Voice (who?) with this, their reality TV winning single “Sound Of The Underground.” Cheryl’s make-up in this is the absolute definition of chola-tastic, with Tweedy looking like Aloud’s only asian member for at least the first two minutes of the clip. Poor Nicola’s shafted into a dark corner for her solo bits, with shadows covering her face as she sings, Kimberley looks like she’d rather be at home with her bong, and Sarah… well, Sarah has never looked quite as eager as she does in this clip. There is not much going on, but who cares?! They dance with microphone stands and then throw them at the end. Win! I’d like to know if Nadine ever plans on dying her hair dark again; am I the only one that thinks it makes her look, well, quite expensive?

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NO GOOD ADVICE
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.20
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: No.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: Absolutely not.
Is Nicola in it much?: No.
Chart Success: UK #2

Polydor sent Girls Aloud to a (possibly broken into) well-lit-up car-yard for this, their second video clip. Throwing silver space outfits at them which made the girls look like they were actually going to a Star Wars convention rather than making pop music, Nicola, Sarah, Kimberley, Nadine and Cheryl (this is the order of my personal GA member preference, in case you’re wondering) straddled around a pretty ugly looking car, motioned up and down two ugly looking men (or was it the one? Who cares!) as they played guitar (!?), and Sarah popped in and out of a phone booth, possibly trying to call her Mother on 1800 REVERSE as she realised what an absolute tit she was making of herself. It all comes to a crashing halt with the Girls setting fire to the car yard, packing it up for a day and returning home just in time for Eastenders. Oh, and there is of course the choreographed dancing WITH TAMBOU-FUCKING-RINES which was (obviously) a homage to Madonna’s 1985 Virgin Tour. Obviously.

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LIFE GOT COLD
Rough estimate of money spent: £1.00
Enjoyability factor: 7.5/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: There is a wind machine, so yes.
Choreography: 0/10.
Does it look expensive?: No.
Is Nicola in it much?: No.
Chart Success: UK #3

Once again, Cheryl’s make-up makes her look Asian, and her bob does her absolutely no favours either. This is one of the most pointless video clips in Aloud’s repertoire which is really saying something. Killer ballad, but what the fuck is actually going on in this clip? I’m not sure, nor do I really care because there is a wind machine which seems to be going nuts through the whole thing, and a couple of scenes on a bus. There’s lots of sitting around, and Nadine pulling weird faces into the camera as if she’s stuck in a fishbowl. 7.5/10.

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JUMP
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.90
Enjoyability factor: 6/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Not really.
Choreography: 6/10.
Does it look expensive?: Good lord no.
Is Nicola in it much?: No.
Chart Success: UK #2

For the movie Love, Actually, Girls Aloud took on the Pointer Sisters classic and the results were fairly outstanding. They (or rather Xenomania), took an okay disco-pop song and turned it into a poppers o’clock fuck-fest of sound that really did deserve a better video clip. Cheryl’s hideous perm is where the 6/10 in enjoyability factor comes from though, mainly because it looks like a dog has taken residence on her head. “Jump” would become the last video clip in which Cheryl would be allowed to dress herself.

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THE SHOW
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.25
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: No.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: NO.
Is Nicola in it much?: Sort of, but her hair looks shit.
Chart Success: UK #2

Starring Nicola as Chelsea Tanner, Nadine as Frenchie, Sarah as Supa Styler (?), Cheryl as Maxi Wax, and Kimberley as The Boss, Girls Aloud welcomed in a new era of their music with one of the cheapest looking video clips ever made. Welcome to the Aloud’s beauty salon: Curls Aloud (!!!!!!!! AMAZING !!!!!!!!!). The girls threw their beauty skills upon unsuspecting men; wax, hair-dye and fake tan coupled with Curls Aloud saw hijinx ensue. Oh the hijinx! Then, there is a dance routine which involves ACTUAL REAL LIFE BROOMS, and could very well be the single greatest dance routine of the 21st century. Maybe even of all time.

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LOVE MACHINE
Rough estimate of money spent: £1.86
Enjoyability factor: 4/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: No.
Choreography: 7.5/10.
Does it look expensive?: No.
Is Nicola in it much?: Ish.
Chart Success: UK #2

Wearing possibly the ugliest dresses anyones eyes have ever seen, Girls Aloud “hit the town” to what appears to be some kind of jazzy (zzzz) cocktail bar… actually, you know what? There’s really not much to say about this one except that it’s fucking boring. Great song though.

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I’LL STAND BY YOU
Rough estimate of money spent: £3.00
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 0/10.
Does it look expensive?: Yes.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #1

Not much going on here: Girls Aloud wear some fancy gowns, go down to the beach and coo about the sand as a wind machine blows them to smithereens. Cheap lighting effects would have you believe, towards the end of the video clip, that there is thunder and lightning going on. I’m fairly sure it’s just the sparks generated from Sarah’s hair straightener being left on. Probably by Cheryl. Anyway, then they all die at the end as a white light engulfs them.

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WAKE ME UP
Rough estimate of money spent: £1.20
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: It’s their third best.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: No.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #4

There are motorbikes. There are wind machines. There are bad CGI effects. There are several incredible hair-twirls for the camera. There are scenes in which, whilst riding the motorbikes, members of Girls Aloud stop to BLOW DRY THEIR HAIR AND/OR PAINT THEIR NAILS. There is a great fisty-pump dance move from Nicola during her gangsta (!) rap, and an even better booby-shake from all five girls when Nadine sings about being “shook up.” A-FUCKING-MAY-ZING. I’d already enjoyed Girls Aloud up to this point, but this was the video clip that made me fall in love with them.

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LONG HOT SUMMER
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.15
Enjoyability factor: 8/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 8/10.
Does it look expensive?: No.
Is Nicola in it much?: Lots!
Chart Success: UK #7

Girls Aloud managed to fulfill the fantasies of a major share in the straight male audience that follow their work with video clip, taking charge in a mechanical repairs workshop before stripping off, wearing next to nothing, and dancing around a couple of tyre rims and a sign that reads ‘PIT STOP’. The real star of this clip though is Nadine; whose menacing rap is not only the clips highlight, but the songs one as well.

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BIOLOGY
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.05
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Fucking AMAZING.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: NO.
Is Nicola in it much?: YES.
Chart Success: UK #4

When I listen to “Biology” alone, I often attempt to emulate the dance routines in this video clip around my house/car/garage/gym with about as much success as the Girls themselves have at doing it. And that’s what makes this clip so special. It’s so disjointed, but fun. Their dresses magically change three times with the click of a finger, there is a tick-tock hands-of-a-clock dance move during the line “it’s just a matter of time”, there are up-and-down boppy bits WITH CHAIRS (!!!!!!!!!!), and mistakes flying all over the place. At the time, it was their greatest pop video, and possibly my favourite pop video of all time. Why? Maybe because it demonstrated the Girls in the kind of joyful light the song was expressing? Who knows, but this song still remains one of the most forward-thinking moments in pop music history, and its clip will forever hold a very special place in my heart.

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SEE THE DAY
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.25
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 0/10.
Does it look expensive?: Ish.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #9

Girls Aloud take Christmas by the ears for this clip; throwing themselves into a giant snow-dome, the girls get snowed on a fair bit, sit around a snow-pool, and look generally quite bloody stunning. Keep an eye out for the bit where they sing “Heartache” in the chorus and, amazingly, the word itself appears ABOVE THEIR HEADS, MADE UP OF GLITTERY STARS. “SEE THE RAY”, IF YOU WILL.

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WHOLE LOTTA HISTORY
Rough estimate of money spent: £2.20
Enjoyability factor: 8/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 0/10.
Does it look expensive?: Yes.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #6

Girls go to France, parade around, looking pretty but not really doing much. Oddly, when they released the single “Can’t Speak French” a few years later, instead of returning to France, they just filmed the bloody thing in a London studio. As you do.

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SOMETHING KINDA OOOOH!
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.01
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: No.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: NO.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #3

Girls Aloud went Eurodance for this, one of their greatest singles. And Eurodance they went for the video clip too, shelling out not a single dime for its production. This is by far the cheapest, biggest heart-attack-inducing video clip in the Girls collection, yet I simply CANNOT look away every time I watch it. It’s like a car crash. A really, really cheap one. Kimberley’s perm looks great though, doesn’t it? And you just know that’s what the budget was spent on. I actually get heartburn whenever I see this clip.

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I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW
Rough estimate of money spent: £4.90
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 5/10.
Does it look expensive?: Yes.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #4

Fairly brilliant. Girls Aloud enter casino, plan heist, get very tricky with their heist maneuvers, and run off with the money. Little known fact: Whilst the other four girls were told in the brief they were searching for money within the casino, in order to motivate Sarah, the director told her there were two suitcases filled with cocaine.

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WALK THIS WAY (vs Sugababes)
Rough estimate of money spent: £2.00
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes!
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: Ish.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #1

Terrible song, but what a great concept/video. Girls Aloud battling out with the Sugababes (version 3.0). Sarah knocks the wall divide between the two groups down with her microphone stand, before asking Amelle “where’s Mutya?”, whilst, toward the very end, Nadine’s eyes nearly pop out of her head as she tries to match her facial expressions with how high her note actually is. Ruby Wax appears, then the crowd throw some red noses at both bands.

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SEXY! NO NO NO…
Rough estimate of money spent: £4.50
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: Yes.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #5

Leather! PVC! Wind machines! Large eyelashes! Elaborate Red Dresses! “Amazing! Yes yes yes…” It’s basically Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter” video clip, but without Christina Aguilera, which therefore doesn’t make this shit.

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CALL THE SHOTS
Rough estimate of money spent: £3.50
Enjoyability factor: 9.5/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 9/10.
Does it look expensive?: Yes.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #3

Nadine uses her mobile phone to check facebook. Nadine leaves the room. Sarah, looking to pay off her dealer, steals Nadine’s mobile phone out of her bag, then perves on Nadine’s boyfriend in the shower as she wonders “I wonder how much I could get for him?” There’s lots of make-up application in this clip, and a lot of dancing around fire, flags, and wind machines. There’s a gorgeous shooting-star bit during Nicola’s beautiful breakdown, where they, once again, see the ray (oh dear.) One of their classiest clips, and the greatest pop song of all time to boot.

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CAN’T SPEAK FRENCH
Rough estimate of money spent: £0.70
Enjoyability factor: 7.5/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Ish.
Choreography: 9/10.
Does it look expensive?: No.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #9

The Girls dress up like absolute sluts and parade around a dining room table. Cheryl winks. fin.

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THE PROMISE
Rough estimate of money spent: £1.85
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 6/10.
Does it look expensive?: No.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes, but this one is really all about Nadine.
Chart Success: UK #1

The single greatest thing about this video clip is how much enjoyment Nadine obviously gets out of watching herself on the drive-in cinema screen. Going to the movies to watch their latest video clip, Girls Aloud pile into their respective cars and watch, er, their new video clip. Nadine glares seductively at herself on the screen; she’s obviously loving herself sick at that very moment and rightly so; her hair in the video clip is bigger than Kimberley and Cheryl’s earlier perms combined and makes her look a bit like a fancy horse.

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THE LOVING KIND
Rough estimate of money spent: £11.50
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Amazing.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: VERY.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #10

Here is where trouble began to brew. Girls Aloud, for the first time, spent more than a tenner on their video clip, and it was the first sings of real chart struggle in the midweeks. Barely scraping in at Number 10 (keeping their record breaking run of consecutive top 10 hits safe… for now), one of their most dazzling video clips for a song written by the Pet Shop Boys, quite sadly, became one of their weakest performing singles, mainly due to the lack of promotion the band bothered putting in during the week of release. Pity. Everything about this clip is right, right, right.

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UNTOUCHABLE
Rough estimate of money spent: £28.50
Enjoyability factor: 10/10.
But is the clip actually any good?: Yes.
Choreography: 10/10.
Does it look expensive?: VERY VERY VERY.
Is Nicola in it much?: Yes.
Chart Success: UK #11 =(

There was, like, no promotion for this during the actual single release, was there? Cheryl was too busy being a Professional Judge, whilst Nadine was off gardening in LA. This is their best video clip, for one of their best songs, yet no one bothered to buy it. Unbelievable. Ironic that a song titled “Untouchable” would be the song to ruin their seemingly untouchable run of consecutive top 10 hits…

FINAL VERDICT
Whilst evidence shows that, if the girls spend more than five pounds on their clips, generally speaking, the single won’t do as well. But we still want the expensive clips, but how’s about you girls do your job properly for the next few singles and actually come to the realisation you’re pop stars, not welfare collectors.

It’s been three years since British-pop wizards the Pet Shop Boys delivered their last studio album, the dazzling “Fundamental”. There’s no denying that particular record was almost perfect, particularly after the bore that was 2002’s “Release.” “Fundamental” came complete with flawless pop moments in the form of “Integral”, “Numb”, and an arms-aloft, poppers o’clock remix of Dusty Springfield’s “In Private,” turned into an emotionally driven, camp-anthem with a little help from Elton John. There were, however, moments of weakness, like the dire “Psychological” or weak lead single “I’m With Stupid.” It may have been the official comeback album for them, but studio long player number ten, “Yes”, is a cut much more deserving of the title, and one that sees them working alongside Xenomania; Girls Aloud’s top-of-the-pops-force writing and production team.

From the lovestruck beauty of “Did You See Me Coming?”, to the cheekiness of “Pandemonium” (in which Neil Tennant coos “Is this a riot, or are you just happy to see me?”), or the drama of “Legacy”, there isn’t a single skip-forward moment to be found. There’s plenty to crow about in songs like “Vulnerable” (the records greatest, most delicate and heartbreaking moment, made all the more powerful by that impeccable “I’m just filing my nails” lyric delivery from Tennant we’ve all come to know and love), “More Than A Dream” (which needs to be a single thanks to its catchier than V.D. chorus), and “The Way It Used To Be”, which are the absolute hallmark moments on “Yes”.

Opener and lead single “Love etc.” is an erratically complex pop song that throws together one of the most dysfunctional song structures you’ll have heard in years. Bizarre placement of the bridge and chorus before we’ve even heard a verse is classic Xenomania, but this is still 100% a Pet Shop Boys song; an instant classic. And that’s the brilliant thing about this record; it has sprinklings of Xenomania throughout yet manages to present itself completely as a proper and unique Pet Shop Boys disc.

It’s incredible to see Neil and Chris producing their best record since 1993’s “Very” a good 25 years into their career. And maybe they’ve found the right tools (like salt to a meal, there are small servings of Xenomania added to “Yes” which gives it its subtle bite) in order to bring out their sonic flavour.

On a final note, the other night I came up with what I thought was the most hilarious joke. I sent it to Popjustice but, alas, I don’t think they found it as hilarious as I did.

Q: What movie do the Pet Shop Boys call their absolute favourite?
A: Love, Actually.

Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week. Please; try the veal.

Worra‘review! > > >
Fizzy? Yes! > > >
D’banter’yes! > > > (HEY! I’m one of those American Life fans!)
Will W. + EQ = Yes! > > >
Dan’s INCREDIBLE 25 years of PSB fact machine = YES! > > >

And Yes! (er, enough of that perhaps), I’m back to blogging properly. Sorry it’s taken me 27 different breakdowns and large gaps in between posts… I do hope you’ll forgive me. x

There’s a new renegade group who are now trying to do the same. Years later, Girls Aloud are still a pop force to be reckoned with, and it’s genuinely unfathomable for me to understand why Universal Australia won’t even *release* their music here. Sugababes sell just as low and yet I have been able to purchase all of their albums locally.

There’s a way you can help. There is a facebook group here. Join it. Read through it.

There are also the following video’s. Let’s have a gander…

“I approve.”

I’ll be purchasing a copy of the donktastic Alex K remix of “Call The Shots” on the 27th through iTunes. You can do the same too by clicking here (on the 27th, mind.)